Mr. Mulholland

The bard can not be held...
dammit...
scratch that and rotate
No holds bard

I mean what I say and I say what I mean
So there is not reason to read within the lines
The character of your voice leaves me......breathless

I see someone who was never there
Life is never fair
So like a donna ma
I can take you there

I was designed to infiltrate said mind
To appreciate the things passed by time
I don't know what it is but I want to know if it could be

Your voice soothes me
Like I was playing in a philharmonic way that soothes me
I was lost

The impact of letting me be me
without blame or catastrophe, makes me want to hop on the D

I'm certain that this person didn't just happen to be here
See here
Open the lock and want to be here

I contemplate......
I see the beginning of a phase that may cost days or cost me my life\

Who are you to tell me otherwise
I surmise that this guy may bear an inkling
to what I sort, or have retort
To think that I'm too good
when my ghetto rocks the heart

Phone dies, we call sides and dream of meeting each other
Im stunned, no more words are necessary

Self medication

The world is warped

So I replicate

self medicate

to keep my head above water

The psychedelic features never bend

Though I hope they do

In what right mind can it be fathomed

That's why I lean on the side of wrong

That bad taste in your mouth

Leaves a bad taste in mine

Unconscious hording

We seek who we are

The plants are greens

Blowing dust, taking me higher and inhaling powder to resolve

Down the drain, drips the unspeakable

This is what elixirs do to you

In order to avoid all storms

Trying to rear the ugly head that appears thru blood point overload

I'm trying to not be told

That I'm the piper in the danger zone

Follow me @beansanrice , tweeting to technology

That keeps me changing all my clothes

Where am I?

What's going on?

Why am I here?

The awareness surfaces

challenging the senses, that have become worn

only to be pushed down

Life hurts

I can see clearly now

Enrapture me and make me forget

I'm glad to be home

And then I wake up

Hung over...........what the fuck did I do last night???

Armed forces......Conversation in thoughts.

My family loved who I was, they do not know who I have become

God, why is it so hot???

The smell of blood makes me aware of the danger

Dodging death, hearing the crackling of heat

The wizz from the presence in the air leaves me diving for cover

Mom grasp me in her arms, I am finally home

Her baby is her baby and they are home

The ricocheting booms has the earth swaying under my feet

I.E.D'ed I drag my brother to safety and realize all too late the hope for them is gone

I have no time for emotion, just action

I am driven to rage

I lift my weapon

Everyone is happy to see me, its been a while

Normalcy has eluded me for so long

The dust storm swallows the appearance of man

This is the perfect time

At ease with what I am about to do

The enemy has been upon us

I kick open the door, tucking and rolling in

I hear the light laugh of my sister, 

examining her presence

She begins to cry

I am finally home

I feel the heat of the explosion before I see it

The world spins and disappears into a haze

Someone is carrying me

The pain is frightening 

It's so good to see you, my aunt whispers in my ear 

as she embraces me with force

She does not realize the impact of her words and I finally breakdown and cry

Oh how I wish the last thing I saw before the shrapnel damage to my eyes made me blind was them

I thrive in just presence alone now

I would do it again 

For my country..............

Solitude

The death of my heart, will never be confirmed

It sits in the shadows embalmed with lost

Consumed by the dark

The feelings of inadequacy

trap me

Surrounding the light 

You are your own worse enemy

Broadcast of days past enter my present

The air seems to stir with my discontent

Breeze blowing to the north 

Blind to the delicate kneading of my being

Eyes glazed, gazing to the south

The sun shines on my face

reflecting the right to choose

How i long for the grains of rock

That was disrupted and turned to sand

It reminds me of peace after destruction

The meaning that you can be broken down and still turned to something

Paces the breathes I have left to take

It envelops the strain caused by the tightening strings of solitude

Leaves me needing a new latitude.......or a triangle to vanish into

It sting's

Fever pitched\

Flashes of ignorance

The aluminum casing of your heart leaves chivalry to be ignored

Chasing a dream from a story heard within our youth

To be or not to be?
That was never a question, just a retort

Investing in the words that lead to compassion, empathy and honesty if conscious

I don't need this nonsense

But I still walk this way

Have a ruining cloud making me talk this way

The storm has not passed even though you cant see it

Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder

I want to see it

The anxiety of loneliness

Questions self further

When you find it, its heaven

My experiences result to murder, I plead the fifth

You don't deserve my benefit

Lack of significance

All I feel is vacant

I am the cactus in the sun that nobody walks to.
I am the sustenance that embodies those to want to

You took a stroll in the sun and received what you were looking for

Only to find It was nothing but a mirage

The constant barrage of your lusting
 Leaves me to question who I can run to, to feel this empty space

The stars of yours, they remind me of..

Kept me thinking, we almost had it all

but too much is never enough

So I scramble to put a hold on the teeming, overflowing emotions within my brain

and walk thru the shadows that encompass my figure

Leaving me aching and yearning for more

Happiness leads to love, which leads to hurt and deals out pain

I fold
I flushed a full house......
Because it became bare

The hand I was dealt is not built that strong

I have to fold, how can I not
 Not an M.I.T grad,  so there is no way to read to try to count the cards

like you read my bars

Transferring my pain

I believe with no map I will find it

Hope the cards to my credit don't decline it
The aimless walking,

Im lost can you help me find a way??

Music makes the world go round

Breathless

I continue my journey

The ensuing travesties fall by the way side

I beat the congas and blow on the trumpet

Cuz, I march to the beat of my own drum

I insert my ear buds...to leave the present in a flurry

I hear the bass, I no longer worry
For me I am home

I began to listen,
Life on shuffle...

music is the heart of the soul
 can you solve my puzzle

I'd rather go blind

You better listen

because the night time is the right time

Do you feel the beat of the rhythm of the night

Our endless love?

I'm rolling in the deep
 but its not even my birthday

So tell me that you want me to

It can all be so simple,
 But you rather make it hard
Cause it's funny how money changes situations
 

Hey there delilah,

I had the time of my life

You see the fire burn

Leaving me weak in the knees
I go back to black

We only said goodbye with words

Can't you see, kissing you is.....

like peaches and cream

The firm told me to

Be your super women

Lie for you,
 Cry for you, 

There is a method to my madness

24 hours to live because

music makes you lose control

It's good enough for me
Time after time

I'll be there for you but

I still need a resolution

I'm rocking this boat

Trying to stop this train

Hoping I come back in one piece

While I'm waiting on the world to change

I resolve to be sitting on the dock of the bay

then I turn to you

But there's just one thing that got me tripping

I fade to black
Like you will never see me again

Daydreams 

You know the night time, is the right time

When you got that glow...it leads to

Strength courage and wisdom

I got dreams to remember

I'm sounding the alarm

don't you bring me along

My ego leave me irreplaceable
 I'm a single lady

Still dancing the night away
To the beat of my own drum

It's you, its you,
 Its all for you

Playing those video games

Breaking my heart but, my tears dry on there own

Round midnight

Cuz he can only hold her for so long

All this craziness will disappear

Designed with me in mind

Then I wake up alone

Last chance

I fell
As if I was tripped by an invisible bicycle, laying on the concrete.....

I swear it was there
But now it seems foreign

Maybe I'm mistaken?

The cascades of life, sends dark tremors down my spine

Like im waiting for the cyclone in a never ending line.
Watching the thrill and enjoyment of everyone else
 

Is life passing me?

I question passively

This is the reason for this Psalm

At a loss of love,

like a wounded dove
Hoping to spread her wings

I need things...

Heaven is a place for two
But additions are necessary
Hope to feel the womb swell with the trappings of my seed

A piece of me could change the world further

It could change me

WAIT

Could I really think to involve an innocent, in a world full of destruction

Where vein popping, pill swallowing and lined powdered  is accepted in a crystal form?

I sit back and think.............

as my biological clock ticks louder

Ray of hope in the darkness, Writtten for Brandon

The darkness covers me

Encompassing my heart

The weariness leads to a setting of the sun to which no one can enjoy the dusk

and then it hits me

I am the sun that sends dusk to the dirt

The voice that captures the earth

The music that empowers a dancer to move

Shining so bright

The light of my eyes

causes the dances of the remix
Like R&B

Soft and cooling

I bring power to the word resilience

I bring hope to those that are lost

I provide the map that leads to the treasures of the heart

Everyday I make a decision about my attitude

Counseling and bearing my gratitude

To be given a chance to help

My life is worthy only because my shine has never felt the capacity to be diminished

It will never disappear

My blank stare could move mountain's

My ability could cause solving

I am who I am because I was meant to be

Have you ever thought, that I was sent to thee

Picking you up and placing pieces back together

Making a mark last forever

Through my writing,

I will become one of the history books treasures

Am I being too confident??

I deserve to be

You will know my name.....

and though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil.

I will come to you with eyes opened wide........

 The revolution will not be televised

I'm sick of being sick

What happened to the dreams of the white picket fence?

I was born against trying to live a normal life...

Follow the rules and you will be okay

No running, jumping, playing cuz it might upset the delicacy of your being

So you telling me if I jump I die

Start hemorrhaging,
Followed by seizures if I decided to get high

Puke my brains out on the side only to get a front seat at my show
To die?

Sometimes I want to be a memory

Sometimes I wonder why he still ain't send for me
and sometimes....

I think I'm forgotten

This world is rotten

Thundering cats leave me to believe, I have the power
It is almost there barely

Hypochondriac writing her own obituary:

She gave back all she could to the ones who won't think twice about the services rendered

"I thought of her like my sister"

"She will be remembered"

(only to be forgotten)

Davinna was a reformed gang member who found glory

I wish you knew her story

Don't worry I'm still here

I'll let you know when to pick up I used to have the blues:
From gang to glory

This second will never come again

I relish in it

Cuz seconds equals minutes which equals hours, which equal days...

and I still exist

do you get my equations?

Capabilities- Shit just got real

How can I neglect it

When its my body that directs it
My being in the genomes of my blood line

It just got real

Feeling like a child

The d-volvement of my health

Makes me listen as if a drill sergeant stated his order

I'm out of order but not in mind or soul

Just body

The increasing age puts me at risk....

To die, to suffer, to give, to hunger for the ever increasing ability of healthiness

I am not alone but will die that way

Hope I get to say goodbye that day

Cause its no longer in my hands

My spleen almost fully diminished

Hoping I can finish, what I need to do

In order to make my wrongs, righter

Body feeling like fire and my blood is the lighter

How can I extinguish the pain??

I hope in vain, remember my name

I testify

Bone marrow breaches, experience is what teaches
A matter of how far you can go

No morbillity but I was born to die

The time I has been granted

Leaves so many demands its...crazy

No need to pity me, or test abilities

All those wounds have been salted

Body assaulting me, but can never be charged

I brace for the barrage

My neck, my back
I ain't talking about kia bending over to show you her season

My words have reason

I need to believe in

Or die alone cuz i'm deceiving...,

Myself, I wish for health...

To embody it,

I look normal,
Because within this shell,,  pain is my own hell
There is no way I can avoid it

Shit just got real

but im tired and need a nap

Word play shaking......

Whispered yelling of a quiet noise leads to the hardening softness of our confusion

Fighting to surrender, hoping to fall, guaranteeing a tie

I am enlightened by the confusing

I mean not to display gentile animosity or my lubricated dryness
But what you seek has already been found

The sound plays on deaf ears
The dancing becomes fluid to blind eyes

It's getting so cold the heat evolves into dry ice

I'm working backward but looking forward

The trace evidence has been deemed irrelevant 

It has been cleanly tainted

I'm walking at a run and sweating my coolness

Backing into the forward clutch so I can let it go

Who said this would be easy?
Wait scratch that and reverse it

Would it be easier to be said??

Dying to live, I am taking on captured escapees...

Wavering in the still sea, hovering on the land

Manufacturing nothing in the hope that we all fail

I plan to win this losing game

Attacked by nonviolence 

It enables me to leave every circle, squared

I dare you to tell the truth or the truth of the dare

I'm answering your question before the comprehension forms

Isn't it ironic?

Nightmares chase me/unwavering

into a cheery song

I eat all day but I am forever hungry

My appetite for knowledge is born from understanding,

It always, almost only, expands by the dwindling hours.....

I pity the fool!

The world is hurt
I can Achilles heel us to safety

Expose what you believe faithfully

Challenge with a true heart though my body weary and a bit shaky....

I'm built for it.........

Never question the master

I  can sho' nuff provide you an answer. 

You can sock it to me but I will withhold that fortune
Cause it is then and only then.....that the question can be asked.....

if I could speak.....mountains would move, Mr. President

No assassin needed
Our world is depleted...
If I was president
I would fight for the programs that are slowly at an accelerated rate disappearing in the communities that need them
the right
thinks its right to cut programs they think are no longer needed....
but like health care
we should invest here
in a measure of preventative stature...

The 1%, stands and act docile
without getting a profile
of who represents the profile...
Numbers don't lie..

Majority of the people on welfare
or needing health care
is not the "welfare mom"
or the crack heads psalms...
but if it makes you sleep better
so be it..............

Minorities being told to beat it....
position contrived
They leave us outside
Cuz the 1% need it??
 
You might as well stop and frisk my mind
cuz my intellectual rap sheet will grow and
extend to include all of your travesties toward society.....

While you live in lavish inside your bubble...
well the people outside we still struggle...

I'm sick of these fighting wars
Reminisce on brighter days
When we agreed to disagree but helped..the....change.....

Bi-partisian ship remains the same
and halts all aspects of our growth...
We stagnated...
When did being in office
Seem to provide a single persons ideals instead of the masses....
Lord forgive them cause they have sinned...

Honor separation of church and state
but your votes negate
what your true feelings are...
Passing a dream for reelection seems...
false.....

But waittttttt

I don't give a fuck what u feel
but when you lose ideals, you lose me and I lose hope....
Tell me today, what does your passion say??
Cause I want to feel the truth,,,,

I have no faith in you...
and I'm scared of your truth...
that you use the media to play shit
say what you mean and mean what you say

Guarded
Disregarded
My expanse has pulled up the pants from forever sagging
But with no one to help

Dependent on self
I will always lose this war.....
These kids taught to be the only products of there environment
Incarceration for lack of common sense...

We fill those privatized seats...and they embody it with their soul
Their entanglement
leaves to deem irrelevant
the future of their soul...

Rich/poor far between
We been 50 shades submissive
to these things
but I wont sit down....
Why didn't you take on the cause of building our regard
to have it lost in war??

The power of our feds
Disappears away programs just because you feel that way???
So DV and getting clean, building spirit, changing things and rehabilitation takes the back burner.......

I'm angry just because you fake your feelings
I was born...to live breathe and feel it...
So you come from the mid-west and think you feel it......
No mean to sound brash
Throw your white privilege in the trash
cuz you ain't never  been here..

You sold my judge and became masters of,
divide an conquer let me hear it......

Started with separation of house and field.....
You ain't ever been sequestered to a feel that you couldn't break??????

Just cuz you think you see the epitome of me...
leaves me to question your abilities......
do we look the same

The anger I am caused is because my life ain't yours
and you will never feel this way...
no matter how many stories you consume or lives you let bloom...
(giggles) I will thank you for it....

But you will never understand....
no matter who you do
or who invest in you...

You will never feel the dereliction of my color...
Don't try...
your not built for it....

Have you ever been almost stoned??????????????
and its not weed i speak about!

Have you ever been tested
to be concerned for where you rest at
after being told that you were in a zone that you weren't allowed....
racism gone.......fuck you

The fact that you even thought it was, shows me the privilege you hold......

Not for long
cuz instead we will get good heads to sit on a throne...
but for now
no one is home but we will be.....the revolution will not be televised but it will be seen

Reality of a disease

I sit here like the withering flower that tells the beast he must die..
Except my story doesn't end when the last petal drops/
It continues

The tears in my eyes wont let go of the pain that has racked me my whole life.
I feel like I need to breathe but I can't..
it stifles me

You have no idea of the rivers and the valleys I've crossed,
My savior cannot subdue my pain.....
Yet he makes me stronger..

To live and deal with a disease that can kill, yet  leaves me smiling everyday is a travesty,
I'm the queen of my pain so call me your Majesty....

The essence of the building that caused me to be strong?
Allso caused me to think I was wrong
No one can feel the pain that erupts from my joints, muscles or bones

Instead most think they grown
And are home
And nothing can penetrate the zone
And im angry...
Angry because you still cant see
That normalcy eludes me
Does all it does to refuse me
Makes me bow down and bite my pillow hard, cuz through pain/
That is all that soothes me...

The lightening struck me upon birth,
I have learned to live life for what its worth...
And know my girth (pause)
To understand where I begin and end

People living longer
But passing on getting stronger,
Generation begin over
Was formed weak

They don't have the support that has been cut from them
Umbilical cord crushed from them...
Leaving them wide eye
Big sighs
With no side and no retort...

Cuz they gave up...
At one point I GAVE UP

I speak the balance of one who understand but indeed has grown...
You learn to deal on your own
But that doesn't mean that the stars that gleam
......is out of your circumference....

This disease is disruptive.
So I pick up the pieces
And make sure I have a home...
With people in my zone

To....... stifle my cry's...

Nobody knows the trouble I have been through
I relay on that fact
So you don't judge and view me with disdain
And treat me as such...

I need not your pity or direction...
This is just a reflection.....
Of a open heart wounded by what is...
and what will continue to be......

Cancer takes you quick
But sickle can be a dick...
And like that bunny....
It last and last and last

Until the last heated breathe is spilled unto the emergency bed
Where you lie your head
Because they need to observe it

They got the nerve
To throw there curves
And tell you that your fine...

Academic mind swirls
and forgets the fine print that says you don't know how to handle this disease or me...
The disruptions of life that make me feel alone will forever be there.....

I am alone

Because no matter how soft you speak
Or try to reach
My birthday cake  is not for enjoyment
A mind grew and still grows from Brooklyn

And it progresses

The i.v that sinks into my veins
Helping me remain the same that you want me to NOT see....
I'm here, I learned the lesson....
If it don't generate cash
Then you don't want my ass
Taking up a bed in your emergency room.....

Sadness seems to swallow me,
Embody me....
Hoping that for once....
The normal can see what I can see

I reflect on the safety of the womb...
I came pouring out of only to consume and assume...
Im truly alone........

Who else knows about the joints inflamed or endless games of lies
Just to get you back home. Oh the doctors tries, hesitant and scared to look in your eyes
 Because you can read the diagnosis on there face...
They can't help me

They never learned....
.
I breathe.....
I search and gleam with the product of my being in hopes that I can change something that wont allow growth.....

My dipping sun, makes me pray,
That I get to wake up.......
So many casualties
That are not even seen by humanity
Cuz they don't rap, sing or cause travesties......

Indeed alone...

I'm thankful for hitting 30
When there are so many more that passed
Is it because they had no grasp,
Lack of fingers jazzed or
Reason to avoid it!

I sit hear still
Knowing what is real
and the reason some abort it.....

I'm scared too

Always

......but no one can help me.....

I will never forget
I was born
To accept this form
Of my own hell
And it will forever be embedded in me.....
Sickle cell anemia is a hell of a disease