Forever present

Mortality is my reality
Built on a hereditary technicality
Forever to be carried through this adventure of living
Removal of blinds
This was designed to be my baggage to carry
So I roll with the collapse of my veins
The needle exchange and the blood taken out of me
The fight taken out of me

Dispatched
Like a knick knack
Throw this girl a bone

Inside of my head asking for forgiveness
Streaks of lightening blazing through the vessel holding my essence
It is always present
Always

24hrs a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year
Sometimes I forget as if it was an illusion
Only for it to attack crippling my nature
Destroying my confidence
Displacing my light
Allowing the dim and darkness to invade

And so I lay me down to sleep
But this hospital bed is uncomfortable,
keep clicking my caller but no one will come for you....you don't look sick....
Fighting this biting pain as my disability continuously rolls through my veins in a never ending story

Wheezing, body seizing, pain meds hardly relieving
But my moans never escape
For I am strong, I am woman hear me roar
Or whimper, or cry, or......or.......or.........sigh......

I'm so tired

Others tools

So I look in the bag for help and find myself...unmeasured with all these tools
The hammer of unrighteousness
The screwdriver drenched in unlikeliness
Who's tools are these??

The screws missing bolts
Making me want to revolt
Sending jolts....that are not striking

I am said lightening because I illuminate the dark

The leveler leaves me waiting for someone to tell me I'm aligned

I'm resigned these tools are not mine
like the walk in another's shoes

The wrenches seem to want to prove some.....thing's.....but my soul can't never be extracted
Nor redacted, this is the bits that feed into my screw

I need new tools...

Sting

Puncturing a mind takes time
But.....it shows a weary soul In all it's glory
I gang and gloried
This is my story, you can't make this stuff up

Fighting mentally and physically, intrinsically, habitually
I will not stop
The soul seems to weaken
But only pauses to send out a beacon
To let the masses know the truth

I regroup, stay close to the truth so you can understand my fury.....

In the belly of the beast
Living..because the rush of existence can only happen when you know what it is to exist (thanks SC)
To consist of more than bootie twerking
It's minds that I'm serving

You want your plate now or later?

This behavior, is a lack of spirituality being major
And you just failed out of college
They doubt my knowledge
Not knowing to have lived is a different kind of experience
Need no certifications to  experiment
Life is my experiment

Solving all equations
I was raised in
While others simply erasing
The bowels of the mind
Wishing they would find
Answers in a bottle or a blunt
So you can stunt...but I see your hand and raise you a bid

I may seem like a kid but I'm a grownup in a kids world
The decisions for the future yeah they still fail
So I don't want to grow up

I want to throw up
The policies
The technologies that lead our youth to lack of conversation
Thoughtless equations and anger ruling summations
Wanting you to react

I'm no longer reactive
Live my life as proactive
Because this shit got to stop

So I want to sting...
I want you to see...it's not what our parents told us it would be
While most still are gathered in that square of shade

This tortured  role
Living with an old soul
That gathers and supports those in my likeness
I'm not saying I'm righteous

But you tell me a truth and I will tell you no lies
Just look in my eyes to establish that I means what I say and say what I mean

Too many words to share
I know how I needed up here
What's your excuse

I removed my self from the booth to explore other truths and create more meaning to my words

You can say I'm disturbed or question my use of terms

But in the end you have been stung....
So I'll continue to sting and bring about things no one wants to answer

Do you hear my buzz?
Cuzzzzz
Then you've been stung
My truth is never done but be my flowers so it continues

I fight

The shining corners of the square drag me to the middle
Its no decision from the task I been giving
Its time to go
No wasting time
Or tryna find my knuckle game in the center

Fast forward to mentor
The past it laid
My end of days and led me to fool fate into a future
The blue lines are my suture
And I continue to go
I continue to sew
The fabric of my creation

No one can stop the design that has poured out of me
Stolen the light I see or
Shaded my sight from me
Whether the prick of a needle
Or the surgery I go into
I fight

Meanings change just like the game
But I will always be a player
My designer is in my purveyor
He is not done with me yet
He provides a safety net so I can get my adrenaline in order

I fight my disorder
I abhor what some have bought up
Yet I contunually smile, knowing all the while.....
The knuckles may need to come out more
So I can stop all the raining pain of the blows to my ego
She goes where we go....
Not knowing I'm always on point....

Its a fight
For my life
I hold no stife or discord
I'm a get mines you better get yours
Before I revert to a time before I became resigned and call Ceanie into play
Cuz back in the day
Whewwwwwwww
Back in the day

I'd of took you to hell
But I exhale and walk a way waiting for the day where no fighting is necessary
Ego ain't no longer an accessory

And the fight is for our right, our life...and our society as a whole.
So now I have told what I see
What you can grow to be
and what we need to see if order to be righteous

King

You are who I think of when time falls away
It's the level of my feelings that drive me to stay
The rising of your Phoenix
Gives a rise to better days
You are my king and the bishop
Time is why I want to stay

It makes me escape what was
Concentrate on how it should be
You not only awakened my soul, you awakened the lost me
It's crazy how I'm binded
To someone thats just the truth
You tell me when I'm sliding back and make me want to just improve...

I dunno what to call it but....it's happening now
You the Big to my Carrie and I don't understand how it went down
Lil g's is what I'm throwing.....
Cause that's just how I feel
Eyes getting kind of heavy
Sleep with you is what is real

I have died many times and arisen like the Phoenix

The stabbing pain leading to stars in the eyes
I have died many times and arisen like the Phoenix
Hands clenching the Kleenex
Trying to slow it down

The stretch of muscles holding on for dear life
As they become inflexible and air tight
Slithering tears escaping my eyes
I have died many times and arisen like the Phoenix

Self care or well fare seems to not exist
Screams escaping my lips through anguished cries
All I can do is die, because no matter what I do.....I die

But I rise like the Phoenix because I am not done yet
At 31 a true vet to the games played and displayed underneath it all
For within a battle rages and I fill/feel these pages with the truth placed before me

I have died but I rise
The anger has not discovered what was uncovered within the vestibule of my experience
This shit is serious

Want to stay, spent on the floor or the couch of my house crying, smoldering smoke
its the only thing that takes my mind off the pain
When it rains it pours and I die

But I rise because of who I am
I fight because to lose is not an option

I rise so that people understand
Even though I have the body that fails me
My soul is to be spread to the masses
So they can gain traction
And let go of the little things
leading them to bigger things and bigger dreams
That would of before lay unconquered

I die but each time I do.....allows for more of you to rise.......


So I die.....and I trip
and I falter
and crash
and I'm brash
and angry
because maybe I have a right to be
Each time I die it tries to take that light from me

Shadowing me in a darkness so alone
I shy from truths
I shun society
I leave everyone out

Misery needs no company and I need not your pity

So I die......alone

But I rise like the Phoenix for all who need
I rise to show a different breed 
For all to see the little things should never be glanced over

I'm a soldier

So I rise like the Phoenix 

Hoping each time that the power of my light still exist when I rise......

To bring truths to others eyes

So I die........knowing......

The pain will stop eventually
I will recover eventually
I will grow to respect it eventually

I rise.......

Writing this song

We seem to grasp the endless
I can't do it
no begging for forgiveness

You touched the part that was circumstance
Now all I want is you amazing......

I worked thru shit just to make it cold
Your future is the one you owe

I tried to fight the naked feel
You asked about it and got it real

My scripts be burning thru the night
I raise your bull, you might start a fight

Your leather humps don't make you fly
Its about this song, not you and I

I travel soft and heavy hand
Phuck your bull I did withstand

Tears come to my eyes cuz u ain't
I #rebelagainst you being here

Phuck your tainted words
My truth is the only form of hurt

Bridge over troubled waters

The trap is alive and I'm unapproved...

the standards of my being left me wide eye without seeing, cold with no breathing. ..

struggling to be alright.
I am pensive in sight and try as I might to not fall when others trip me.  

Forget me and equip me with a hatred that knows no bounds. 

Something I can't get around cuz the sound of this sound does not resound in positive vibes.
I hate to take it there but I ain't never scared and I'm tired of you dancing on my dreams. 

It seems that you told me I wouldn't be shit...get a good grip on a life to be proud of...

I carried that torch...dreams were abort because you made me question my own potential.
It became essential that I recognized the disease that breeds and comes out like seize... 

in order to bring me up from my knees asking a father for forgiveness....

while one is essential the other is detrimental....father where art thou? 

The gods must be crazy...they allowed Me to suffer and watch pain gravitate my mother in a way I can never change. 
The beating of a soul comes not only from fist but from words and I am tired of your native drum. 

If I ruled the world you would not be in it....words marred in wrong but won't recind it because my pain is not abstract....
I can't move past that blow to the back of my head at eight...when concrete was what I ate because you were too drunk to remember....

my pain lies in the lines of despise sprewed from your mouth....

I am the truth that you failed to value...trying to estinguish the fight in my life...in order to feel better about yourself....

yes you gave me life but i live in strife knowing the heart that made it happen is cold and has poisoned many of souls with your actions....my words gain traction and yet....I cant say I hate you...

........

 

Unfocused stares
A moment ago I was just 
Here, where, there and now I'm not
I see my hell and raise you a heaven
It's my own setting
Nothing to regret in, just try to revel in the good ones
 
In his image I don't question 
but wonder for what he is testing...or preparing me for
I go through these doors of revolving sore
doomed to play on repeat
 
Sickle Positive
So that I could live,humble and forgiving?
Cuz though I still be sinning\
I fought my way up from humble beginnings
The life I led had no winning...
Only danger and defeat
and that is the knowledge that will never be lost on me
it was forced on me 
but my future is my creation

Tilt

Straight up tilting
Acknowledging the unacknowledged
Spinning the squares, circling the block

It did a bid here
Telling me I was all out of time
Rebelling in silence as a life led full
Punishing itself to avoid further destruction

Powerless

Broken

It spoke......
whispering a subtle discomfort
before the deafening roar of a chainsaw

A blossoming false beauty fated to kill my bill
Steal my will
and leave me inexplicably introverted
The battle may be lost but the war is far from over

Still glance  over my shoulders for shadows behind and within
I can't begin to make you understand
The pains and circumstance, left by fanthom hands
breaking me down at a slow...........pace
I'm in this race
creating space to embrace the lives that can be saved
leading to paves of the way......

Paving the way
no matter what obstacles stand
I create within me my own land
and it is currently not for sale.......

Pivot

Pivotal pointing
Leaves Me feeling disjointed
Where was the honor in your ways

I travel through gravities pull and still end up falling
It takes me time to realize the line
That should bare no crossing

Words have always been my strongest but now its seems the longest it has been that they elude me, fail to sooth me and make everything alright

The world has changed along with my thoughts of things and all I can do is move forward

I'm thankful for it....but am I

I.C.U

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder
So behold these truths
I was born a shell
Transformed by life and circumstance
Never given a chance, so I take it
Had to make it, so it'd make sense
The  time I've spent, questioning whether i was heaven sent has led me to the truth
I sit in the booth and realize what he has granted
The seeds he has allowed me to plant and no questioning now exist
It is....what it always was....
The difference is now I see......

Belief in the power ever after
My spirit does not expire......
There's a war going on outside no man is safe from......
It leads....to....dreams of unfocused themes 
Jading thoughts to retire

Checkmate

Revising the glamorizing and turning it off
My head was clouded
I was surrounded by what was never more
 
I'm back in full force
earning my cause
even though dues have been paid
 
It can't remain the same for me to move on in this game
I'd rather say checkmate
Or next mate
or even next to guess mate

The rapture allows me a bullet but loads no gun
plans undone cuz im on the lawful siding

Its been so long
Im saying king me
Cuz the power is at a digress rate
Unrest rate......
Growing up within an escape....

The power leans and I see
What used to be beyond me
Im here now..... no hesitating 
i can feel now
as I had grown numb

Mind skipping a beat
Your treasure seeks
to leave me in the cold

Im getting old
the trials do mold
me into current character

I want to believe
but still dont believe in a fairy tell ever after
I build my stature
to extinguish all the wrong

You tell me things and it resonates with a queen
that leave me fighting where i catch ya


Unfocused themes leave me to dream
in the power ever after
I take this rapture and raise you a cause
cuz it was where it is and will always be
My spirit does not expire......

One of a kind, kind of the one

Unfiltered rolling in the deep
Its the breach that makes my heart skip a beat
Assured to ensure that the measures were pure
Weighing out the options

The conscious levels the head
Leading to responses that get slighted often
making you stay

A day is a second of your time with a minute that your hour led me to
Fed me to......
Consequences don't embed in you

The one in all realities
Jet li the legailties
This kind is never bought for
Trampled about or thought for
I am someone else's daughter
But also the future

The noisiness of the quiet
puts the beats on dre
This is the day
that the lord has made

I will rejoice and be glad in it?!!

Undertones

The scent in the air blows like wisp thru the hair,
Engulfing the scent of what was, has been and will be 
The undertones of light, leave the shadows grasping in there final show only for the sun to rise and cast them again
All the while keeping them in place
The erratic pace from the pheromones leaves the keys sliding to lock into place dislodging the mold it was set in..
Opening the door to existence

Alternate universe, transversing in a quiet roar
What is our world but what we predict it to be
Relentless to see
The things that travel by with no applause

I stick to more
So that I can assure and be okay with wanting more
From society 
It constantly aspires me to share my gift with all of yall
I beat these shores with the name that beats through my brain
and shows the footprints i ignored...... 

I abhor

Cosmic

  



My mind jumps at the speed of  light, I think its cosmic

The message of this earth stands to be forgotten
in a simple stance of neglect
We are who we surround ourselves with
Withering under the thoughts of lean.........
leaning on the thoughts of me
It slows and finally I see...............


The brink of chaos sits on my tongue
It dwindles in my pause
and gives me cause to measure
The flesh wants pleasures that I need to ward off

I repent, in this moment I admit my wrongs
falling to my knees will not suffice
I need your spirit to move within me
To caste away the songs
that play and play and play

Conflict of internal proprieties
Holds captive our society
Blurring lines between right and wrong
I see those eyes
Hands by my side
Ready to launch if I have to
Attention grabs you
The gaze holds my heart steady
I'm ready, it took awhile to get here
Love didn't live here
now it does, Abba told me so

Drops

 

Detrimental to the mind, the heart beats alone/

If only I'd known, a place to settle and call home/

I'd of been above it, but i wasn't/

the illusion of self care and better welfare swirl like a tropical storm over troubled water/

I am my parents daughter, struggling to be my own

The tears fall from the brown leaving the retinas in awe 

I try to see but i'm lost.....it flows heavy as if it dismisses me

It drips from me

Air bag empty consistency

the lights go out and im scared

I blink

but the tears continue to drop

In his ride.........

To what do we owe this appearance
Blaphemist from the past
I heed your laugh and raise you a chuckle
His holy spirit soothes my troubles
And make's you come to past

That's why the struggle has increased
and the crime in these streets has come to rise
I take this ride with my faith by my side
I am a passenger in his ride
Many times humbled but not willing to sit by

Material things over serious things
Encasing the potential of a spirit
These streets are withered
with the poverty of their song
Let us pick you up

We move along but
Are prone to walk by when somethings wrong 
Our peripheral turned off 
Mine's has never ceased to stay on

These teens in these streets
these some mean little streets
Begging to move on
The dust rises and brings dawn
I pray

I WRITE FOR MOMENTARY RELIEF

I write to stop the thoughts filling my head
Beating the shores of my mind with capsizing waves
Its one of those days
Where my mind has shut out the divine and all I can hear is the devil's roar

My mind is in annihilation
Leaning too far right for concentration
I try to pause and get some gauze
to relive the essence pouring out of me
Im beside myself, defillibrating my cardiac arrest
My heart has grown cold

Try to read the word to get back to where I should be
Finding that the lights are no longer guiding my way
This is a day like any other except my mental chose to stutter
leaving me harboring words, i can't discover

I write to bring the breathe back from it's last draw
I write because if I don't my head will start a war

That will grow from the core not allowing the spirit into my body
My soul to reach lightly to turn on the lights from the darkness of a day
I write for a comfort that does not come from an illegal or legal  substance 
to balance out whats wrong...

Momentary relief...........

Sea of doubt

My thoughts capsized by the raging sea of doubt
Screaming but no one can hear me out
The abundance of my feelings
Stuck as I hit the glass ceiling

Seeking to hide
Power to divide
From the endless, restlessness of my soul

I was whole but now im torn apart
Beginning to end and ending to start

I breath as the consciousness of my being
spills out in wisp of a foreign content
Leading me to responses
I never wanted to hear

I am here, but only in spirit
My body, now i fear it
Too close but so far that no one can hear it

I scream
because even in my dreams it is present
Signs of a peasant because my value has been weakened
I no longer know what im seeking
just that i have not found it yet

Or that safety net that hold me up when I have faltered
How I long for
Someone to keep my head above water
I can't do it alone
My heart beats on its own

And yet answers still elude me
Like the partner I cant find to sooth me
I continue on alone..........