first night

That first night

I didn't know what to expect
So I was prepared for nothing
Not for a second did I regret 
My choice at loving

The first time I was awoken by your cries
I could barely open my eyes and within that second I realized

I'd love you this second, I'd love you the next minute
forever and ever your mom I would be

Drenched in fear that this would be an almost every night thing in the upcoming months and a flash of doubt clouded my mind. How could I get through it and was I that strong?

The pain etched across my belly within the staples holding it together making getting up hard but giving up not an option.

I looked longingly in your face and stayed quiet during your constant mews worried you would feel the breathe you took away from me

Already charming and ambitious knowing what you want and I sit here and struggle to comprehend how I was entrusted with such a precious gift, how he who gives me glory will give me the strength, how he who guides me will lift me and those around me will lift her and his village will raise this child.

I feel guilty getting sleep and asking for you to be in the nursery, not resting from worry in the time you are away. Is this why parenthood feels like only wanting the best but not knowing how to give it? Oh shit it's only day 1.

- [ ] 1st night