I want to tell you why I'm mad

let me tell you why i'm mad...
im mad at the circumstance so many grow up in.
im mad at the excuses we continue to make for others
im mad at the men who leave our communities to for ever be riddled with a record
a modern day slave

im mad at the way we are letting down our children
im mad at the school system being so far behind we can't even keep up with India
25th America?? Really???
Im mad because parents rather be friends then parents
im mad because what i was going to write here i cant due to fear of...hmmm any who

im mad because alll of the people who represent us no longer represent us!!!
im mad because no matter how hard i strive to get by i always struggle.
im mad because im now alone in this city oh' mine
im mad because............i can't be anything else right now

The beginning........a peak inside

I do realize when I'm alone...how alone I am. I think back to a time where I was so spoiled it was sickening.In my head I was always alone skeeming.....an actress at heart.  I purposely blamed things on my sisters and I was instantly believed. I was the one who when my sisters and there friends needed confirmation on a lie they would turn to me. It was easy to look in my angelic face and believe whatever I said. That's actually how I got out of a lot of tight spots.

I don't know if my experiences turned me to counseling but I know they did turn me into me. I will forever remember and hold my youth, my experiences...my colors. Yeah with time they fade but they still live deep down inside of you reminding you that this is what you used to breathe, eat......C!

Let's start from the beginning....I was born on March 22, 1982 the last of my mother's and father's kids. I was diagnosed with Sickle cell anemia at birth. Imagine being 6 and after various hospital stays being told you can't run, jump or play. I  guess that's the first time I used my resilience. I ran the 200 meter and 50 yard dash and won every race at Colgate women's games I ran. Then came softball and then my love...basketball. I fought against myself and the things happening around me.

Life was........dangerous at that point. As I sit on my bed typing I look around and have a chance to appreciate where I am at and what I have done. I mean it was only several years ago I was being thrown down stairs and sliced on my face. The constant looking over my shoulder still happens today..but if I'm in the city now, it's from force of habit. Brooklyn is a whole 'nother story.

The story of my blues started in Canarsie, I was 12. When I saw my sisters fighting , well where i was that means your fighting too......that's when  I stepped into a square and it changed my life. The sky was clear and crystal....and that's when like it...I became blue.

I'm backwards that's why i look forward...

So I should of used the first post to tell you about who I am?! I always do things like that. Im a creature of spontaneism.(is that a word?) Any who hey people...Currently I work with at risk youth in NYC. I was born and reared in Brooklyn. I am street smart and book smart. I challenge every thing i am told and investigate to come to my own conclusions. Since i don't want to overwhelm you I will inform you of the general things i have experienced and through this blog we will get familiar with each other.

I grew up in an abusive world and that is all we will say about that right now. I joined a gang when i was 12. I partook in a lot of unsavory and illegal things. I was also the youngest and the only one of my siblings not incarcerated. I decided that I would learn the system and save others.

I originally went to college for marine science. Yeah I know, I don't know what I was thinking either!. I switched to human service and criminal justice after taking some classes. I flourished in therapy...i stuck with C.J. In college I  was and still am an all star (elaboration will come later).  Damn I miss Connecticut. I continued to graduate school back in NYC (John Jay College of Criminal Justice). The whole time (since 18) i had been a counselor at various organizations not realizing my calling.

I have been counseling now for a little over 8-9 years now. I work at a transfer H.S in NYC. That's over age and under credited for those not familiar. So we motivate the one's everyone else discarded. I will always speak for those like me who without someone to be there will always be lost. This is what make's me want to jump out of bed and get to it. I will show them they don;t have to be a product of there environment and I will lead them to be productive citizens in this world..

In this blog I will share my life, my experiences, my stories, my hopes, my dreams, my failures in all hopes that it will make at least one person make a decision based on something I said or something i made them think about. That would mean I;m doing my job. Im a social worker....hear me roar!!!!!!!!!!!!

Im just like you......ode to my inner city youth

When you look at me from the outside what do you see?

A young woman who has all the answers?

Someone who can’t begin to understand who you are or what you are going through?

You would never know I’m just like you

I grew up in a home ruled by alcoholism and abuse

I’m just like you

I witnessed first hand the absence of a father; the only difference is mine lived with me.

I’m just like you

Moving from place to place and sometimes not knowing where I was going to sleep or if my family would ever be okay

I’m just like you

A hardworking mother who struggled and suffered by a man’s hand because that’s how the south raised her

I’m just like you

Driving up north to visit a family member that was sentenced to suffer for trying to take the wrong rode out of the hood

I’m just like you

Witness to those I love dying around me and not being able to do anything but just deal with it

I’m just like you

Picking up a flag for reasons I still don’t understand and making a crayola box color more important than the one etched into my skin that I live with everyday

I’m just like you

Cutting school, drinking, smoking, fighting, robbing, selling, being jumped, jumping others opening up Pandora’s Box

I’m just like you

Watching as my mother struggles to provide me with a better life than she had

I’m just like you

Hitting rock bottom dropping that flag after realizing that I have to be the change I want to see

I’m just like you

Throwing everything into proving to everyone but most importantly to myself that I don’t have to be a product of my environment

This could be you

Separating myself from those trying to drag me down because they want me to be on their level because they already ruined their own lives

This could be you

Realizing that the only way to know your future is to create it

This could be you

Going to college and discovering a whole new world I never knew existed

This could be you

Going to graduate school to further my career because why stop at a Bachelors?

This could be you

Surrounding myself with people who build each other up not tear each other down

This could be you

Switching my chosen career path to help those who were just like me that lost their way and help them to find it

I hope…….I truly hope this is you