Reality of a disease

I sit here like the withering flower that tells the beast he must die..
Except my story doesn't end when the last petal drops/
It continues

The tears in my eyes wont let go of the pain that has racked me my whole life.
I feel like I need to breathe but I can't..
it stifles me

You have no idea of the rivers and the valleys I've crossed,
My savior cannot subdue my pain.....
Yet he makes me stronger..

To live and deal with a disease that can kill, yet  leaves me smiling everyday is a travesty,
I'm the queen of my pain so call me your Majesty....

The essence of the building that caused me to be strong?
Allso caused me to think I was wrong
No one can feel the pain that erupts from my joints, muscles or bones

Instead most think they grown
And are home
And nothing can penetrate the zone
And im angry...
Angry because you still cant see
That normalcy eludes me
Does all it does to refuse me
Makes me bow down and bite my pillow hard, cuz through pain/
That is all that soothes me...

The lightening struck me upon birth,
I have learned to live life for what its worth...
And know my girth (pause)
To understand where I begin and end

People living longer
But passing on getting stronger,
Generation begin over
Was formed weak

They don't have the support that has been cut from them
Umbilical cord crushed from them...
Leaving them wide eye
Big sighs
With no side and no retort...

Cuz they gave up...
At one point I GAVE UP

I speak the balance of one who understand but indeed has grown...
You learn to deal on your own
But that doesn't mean that the stars that gleam
......is out of your circumference....

This disease is disruptive.
So I pick up the pieces
And make sure I have a home...
With people in my zone

To....... stifle my cry's...

Nobody knows the trouble I have been through
I relay on that fact
So you don't judge and view me with disdain
And treat me as such...

I need not your pity or direction...
This is just a reflection.....
Of a open heart wounded by what is...
and what will continue to be......

Cancer takes you quick
But sickle can be a dick...
And like that bunny....
It last and last and last

Until the last heated breathe is spilled unto the emergency bed
Where you lie your head
Because they need to observe it

They got the nerve
To throw there curves
And tell you that your fine...

Academic mind swirls
and forgets the fine print that says you don't know how to handle this disease or me...
The disruptions of life that make me feel alone will forever be there.....

I am alone

Because no matter how soft you speak
Or try to reach
My birthday cake  is not for enjoyment
A mind grew and still grows from Brooklyn

And it progresses

The i.v that sinks into my veins
Helping me remain the same that you want me to NOT see....
I'm here, I learned the lesson....
If it don't generate cash
Then you don't want my ass
Taking up a bed in your emergency room.....

Sadness seems to swallow me,
Embody me....
Hoping that for once....
The normal can see what I can see

I reflect on the safety of the womb...
I came pouring out of only to consume and assume...
Im truly alone........

Who else knows about the joints inflamed or endless games of lies
Just to get you back home. Oh the doctors tries, hesitant and scared to look in your eyes
 Because you can read the diagnosis on there face...
They can't help me

They never learned....
.
I breathe.....
I search and gleam with the product of my being in hopes that I can change something that wont allow growth.....

My dipping sun, makes me pray,
That I get to wake up.......
So many casualties
That are not even seen by humanity
Cuz they don't rap, sing or cause travesties......

Indeed alone...

I'm thankful for hitting 30
When there are so many more that passed
Is it because they had no grasp,
Lack of fingers jazzed or
Reason to avoid it!

I sit hear still
Knowing what is real
and the reason some abort it.....

I'm scared too

Always

......but no one can help me.....

I will never forget
I was born
To accept this form
Of my own hell
And it will forever be embedded in me.....
Sickle cell anemia is a hell of a disease