By myself

Do i bring it on myself?
Its not about my health but my wealth
Am i worthy?
Words are quirky.......
my feelings disown me

Eyes are blind
within design
i sit here and cry
cuz all i can do is cry

I fight off and stride off
trying to get the time off
put the design forth
being alone is what makes the time soft

eloping with lonliness
kissing the truth
marrying self

i am by myself

i will always be by myself

i will always be......

By Myself

That is all

I say I used to have the blues...but I still do
It becomes ingrained in you
A follow through
You picked me
so I picked you

Collected me from
my trajectory of being smart
The square became my heart
I was enraptured on a path to disaster

The government been gave up
Disenfranchisement still came up
And communities continued to be stuck
Because the acknowledgable
Is still inside of you
Its providing too
Let it put that drive in you

Discouraged or pessimistic
Its a learned sickness
The world has to get it out
The truth had to get out
Is this a faithless route
Because no one is listening
God why is this world so unforgiving?

Knuckle gaming those
Cause you tell me your truths and I tell you no lies
This lies inside..content off of brighter eyes
And coincides
Leading me to the open door
Cuz before

My past abhorred
Shaky floors
I drive to realize I can always BE MORE

But then.....
Theres the possibilities
All the insecurities telling me I need or want more
I see that door

From peacesigning to peace signing
It unlocked the door

Your past is always present and it gave me this present of life
Essence of life
I rocked that star of david
Knowing its price
Life is the price
For life is the price

Though im indeed
Way more changing
I can never pay the price...

The square dares to lead
A fluctuation of my needs
Life planting the open seeds
Because a girl grew in brooklyn

A girl proved in brooklyn

A man showed me that I needed to be more driven driven

Right my wrongs
Respect to all
But we need to fill our children

Unlawful gathering was the job
The arrest came with lies and probs
Mom beating me in a seat
Continuing on the street
Because I knew better

We deserved it
No one is perfect
Imperfect beauty is in my clause

This locness led to dopeness and an eye opening experience

This shit is serious. 
You better start taking me serious

Cracking in my blood
The square is my blood
Connecting the six points embedded in my blood
But many transfusions were needed
Working on my self was thoughtfully  needed....
Drove me in succeeding

But im a grown up now
ive grown up now
But thoughts are pondered just because

What it was was trap houses
Grand larceny, Profiling..my name ringing bells is recognizing

Any one could get it

They be hating the crew
Testing you to jump
I always followed thru

Fuck a tough life
Its a tough life
Baby blues to navy

The Lord he gave me
Impasse
Splish splash
Whip lashing thru life
Im making a life
Because rather than strife
I now enjoy this life...my life.....

I am knocked down by experience, sickler of sickle cell these are my inferences damn, i still have the blues
I gotta cut back

Memories

Bless the lord oh my soul

Realization of a life's worth seen
I was born to do these things
Chase these dreams
And help the weary souls

So I've been told
As my own has left me seeking shelter
Hiding under covers to dim the lights on this road
Within a disease that rages in between my soul

I can say im alright but im not
Say im not in pain but im not
Seek shelter in those I laid the concrete for only to be told that im not

Foundation worthy

I need my clergy.....

But yet my gravitational pull has brought those to me
Who have situations worse than me
Because my situation none can't see and Im tired that this can still be in 2014..and im alone and im in pain and in the loathe

This is me bearing my soul

That you complain about a life not wrapped in
Or trapped in
An unrelenting fury
That leaves me weary

Wondering why I live this life
I go through strife and bear the poison of the tree of knowledge all alone....

I am more than capable but this body is just not capable of garnering my soul

So I float and bear and cry and stare...reaching steady points of no return

I have earned nothing but heart ache
Nothing but my temple  being branded unsafe and still no one will learn

Sickle cell is a hell of a disease
We are warriors

Judgemental stares

I'm constantly being judged even when I don't know it
My pride wont let me show its effects on my.mind

My illness had been made to hide
Leaving me acting on a whim, smiling at them and feeling crushed from the inside

Not be in stride with what a disease should be
The looks focused on my face trying to find the pain I hide everywhere but within my eyes

I sigh
disgusted and delirious
The world is growing oblivious
my sight is getting serious
because they say my eyes will eventually grow to be faulty

I cant open the door more
The need to hide and cry and work my ass off to get by..
makes the illusion of my being alright grow loudly

I tip toe with heavy steps
My knowledge doesnt matter when they dont think im capable of fighting something I cant control

Like a pick and roll except the defender clings to me
Does things to me
Makes me cry and have my personality rescind in me......
Because it never plays nice or leaves my ego intact

What is given can not increase without guidance
I am forced to hide in
My own mental prison
Getting lost in the mazes of wonderland
Lacking wander

Im not buying what you tell me I fought for
It seems irrelavent in the scheme of things
I can't make you feel my pain
Or cling to these truths I bring

So continue to judge and tell me how I don't look sickly
How im faking what's in me
How no one can understand it is continually with me

How no one can seem to get how it gets to me
Incubating a hate that knows no bounds
I been around....

But no one seems to see how hard it has been...to be....around

On my mind....

Shhhh.....
They might hear us speaking...without....massa.......

Disenfranchisement is rearing its ugly head/
the dreams are dead and no one is leading the line/
so they die...become mirages of aspiration/
being taken for every ounce of deny

I can try to sit by...but i cant/
This so called safety net is the cheapest you can get/
enslaving like a trap, retracing like an unlawful gathering intent on set tripping/
I have died living...yes many times and I have arisen like the phoenix?/

I think i need my glasses cuz' I'm not seeing correctly/
Societies trajectory, leaves me scared and abandoned/
Is this the life we want to happen/
Cuz we sure are letting it happen!!/

85% of us go to them and the money is lost/
or funneled to towns that only get around cuz our youth have no ground and are intent on being lost/ locked up/stopped up, so they can pull a drop up and..../
rock true religion?/
A crying shame that your true religion is material/
My true religion is spiritual
my god is interial and i feel sorry for your kind/

What are we waiting for?/
The dying exist around us as if the walking dead was here/
This is our fight to regain life from those who think it lost/
Reality is idiocracy/
i believe in our freedoms and democracy/
when did that become non exciting?/

I feel like my writing is getting me tight and i should no longer write and this shit is not frightening to so many that leads up to this....wheres your normality? Your substanance?/
The devil tries to deceive us and all the while we are still on the front lines/
cuz though not armed forces this is the direction we are forced in to...create there choices....and make it better/
put shit together....cuz we are falling apart...../

lets get back to caring about communities, enhancing the abilities...cuz in a self absorbed world we forget about those with continuity......

Songs telling a story.......

Fuck this drunk in love shit
I been drinking and no liquid can satisfy my thirst
I wanted you to stay
it was the reason I held on
but
I cant go for that
no more, no can do
I dont wanna know
my heart cant take it anymore

someone that truly understands
i had a dream i used to.....
it can all be so simple
but you rather make it hard
though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death
these hills to zion trap me..but....
these boots were made for walking

When it hurts so bad
I keep my eye on the tiger
But know
Anywhere.........
I would of followed you

Lets be soul for real
I knew you were trouble when you walked in
Drunken Love

We could be all night
Riding on that glue
This could be us
but my mind is playing tricks on me

See them run
but that life is behind me
grateful to find me

these blurred lines
make me happy
because this jagged little pill
got me feeling so ironic
and then

the night falls...and the sky falls
Only for us to realize
that will never be royal.....

but im happy

This quiet storm will
crush that fool
he want to act stupid gun butt that fool

but that was when i was
top dog, fight em all...yeah i was burning shit up
the square was my sysmbol,
star of dave holding shit up

Look at me now

I just talked all this shit and
 im still thinking about you..uhhh nah nah nah......damn

when does it stop
when do you tell me to cross the line
say something im giving up on you

Pause.....

This is what i need

Forever present

Mortality is my reality
Built on a hereditary technicality
Forever to be carried through this adventure of living
Removal of blinds
This was designed to be my baggage to carry
So I roll with the collapse of my veins
The needle exchange and the blood taken out of me
The fight taken out of me

Dispatched
Like a knick knack
Throw this girl a bone

Inside of my head asking for forgiveness
Streaks of lightening blazing through the vessel holding my essence
It is always present
Always

24hrs a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year
Sometimes I forget as if it was an illusion
Only for it to attack crippling my nature
Destroying my confidence
Displacing my light
Allowing the dim and darkness to invade

And so I lay me down to sleep
But this hospital bed is uncomfortable,
keep clicking my caller but no one will come for you....you don't look sick....
Fighting this biting pain as my disability continuously rolls through my veins in a never ending story

Wheezing, body seizing, pain meds hardly relieving
But my moans never escape
For I am strong, I am woman hear me roar
Or whimper, or cry, or......or.......or.........sigh......

I'm so tired