Forever present

Mortality is my reality
Built on a hereditary technicality
Forever to be carried through this adventure of living
Removal of blinds
This was designed to be my baggage to carry
So I roll with the collapse of my veins
The needle exchange and the blood taken out of me
The fight taken out of me

Dispatched
Like a knick knack
Throw this girl a bone

Inside of my head asking for forgiveness
Streaks of lightening blazing through the vessel holding my essence
It is always present
Always

24hrs a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year
Sometimes I forget as if it was an illusion
Only for it to attack crippling my nature
Destroying my confidence
Displacing my light
Allowing the dim and darkness to invade

And so I lay me down to sleep
But this hospital bed is uncomfortable,
keep clicking my caller but no one will come for you....you don't look sick....
Fighting this biting pain as my disability continuously rolls through my veins in a never ending story

Wheezing, body seizing, pain meds hardly relieving
But my moans never escape
For I am strong, I am woman hear me roar
Or whimper, or cry, or......or.......or.........sigh......

I'm so tired

Others tools

So I look in the bag for help and find myself...unmeasured with all these tools
The hammer of unrighteousness
The screwdriver drenched in unlikeliness
Who's tools are these??

The screws missing bolts
Making me want to revolt
Sending jolts....that are not striking

I am said lightening because I illuminate the dark

The leveler leaves me waiting for someone to tell me I'm aligned

I'm resigned these tools are not mine
like the walk in another's shoes

The wrenches seem to want to prove some.....thing's.....but my soul can't never be extracted
Nor redacted, this is the bits that feed into my screw

I need new tools...

Sting

Puncturing a mind takes time
But.....it shows a weary soul In all it's glory
I gang and gloried
This is my story, you can't make this stuff up

Fighting mentally and physically, intrinsically, habitually
I will not stop
The soul seems to weaken
But only pauses to send out a beacon
To let the masses know the truth

I regroup, stay close to the truth so you can understand my fury.....

In the belly of the beast
Living..because the rush of existence can only happen when you know what it is to exist (thanks SC)
To consist of more than bootie twerking
It's minds that I'm serving

You want your plate now or later?

This behavior, is a lack of spirituality being major
And you just failed out of college
They doubt my knowledge
Not knowing to have lived is a different kind of experience
Need no certifications to  experiment
Life is my experiment

Solving all equations
I was raised in
While others simply erasing
The bowels of the mind
Wishing they would find
Answers in a bottle or a blunt
So you can stunt...but I see your hand and raise you a bid

I may seem like a kid but I'm a grownup in a kids world
The decisions for the future yeah they still fail
So I don't want to grow up

I want to throw up
The policies
The technologies that lead our youth to lack of conversation
Thoughtless equations and anger ruling summations
Wanting you to react

I'm no longer reactive
Live my life as proactive
Because this shit got to stop

So I want to sting...
I want you to see...it's not what our parents told us it would be
While most still are gathered in that square of shade

This tortured  role
Living with an old soul
That gathers and supports those in my likeness
I'm not saying I'm righteous

But you tell me a truth and I will tell you no lies
Just look in my eyes to establish that I means what I say and say what I mean

Too many words to share
I know how I needed up here
What's your excuse

I removed my self from the booth to explore other truths and create more meaning to my words

You can say I'm disturbed or question my use of terms

But in the end you have been stung....
So I'll continue to sting and bring about things no one wants to answer

Do you hear my buzz?
Cuzzzzz
Then you've been stung
My truth is never done but be my flowers so it continues

I fight

The shining corners of the square drag me to the middle
Its no decision from the task I been giving
Its time to go
No wasting time
Or tryna find my knuckle game in the center

Fast forward to mentor
The past it laid
My end of days and led me to fool fate into a future
The blue lines are my suture
And I continue to go
I continue to sew
The fabric of my creation

No one can stop the design that has poured out of me
Stolen the light I see or
Shaded my sight from me
Whether the prick of a needle
Or the surgery I go into
I fight

Meanings change just like the game
But I will always be a player
My designer is in my purveyor
He is not done with me yet
He provides a safety net so I can get my adrenaline in order

I fight my disorder
I abhor what some have bought up
Yet I contunually smile, knowing all the while.....
The knuckles may need to come out more
So I can stop all the raining pain of the blows to my ego
She goes where we go....
Not knowing I'm always on point....

Its a fight
For my life
I hold no stife or discord
I'm a get mines you better get yours
Before I revert to a time before I became resigned and call Ceanie into play
Cuz back in the day
Whewwwwwwww
Back in the day

I'd of took you to hell
But I exhale and walk a way waiting for the day where no fighting is necessary
Ego ain't no longer an accessory

And the fight is for our right, our life...and our society as a whole.
So now I have told what I see
What you can grow to be
and what we need to see if order to be righteous

King

You are who I think of when time falls away
It's the level of my feelings that drive me to stay
The rising of your Phoenix
Gives a rise to better days
You are my king and the bishop
Time is why I want to stay

It makes me escape what was
Concentrate on how it should be
You not only awakened my soul, you awakened the lost me
It's crazy how I'm binded
To someone thats just the truth
You tell me when I'm sliding back and make me want to just improve...

I dunno what to call it but....it's happening now
You the Big to my Carrie and I don't understand how it went down
Lil g's is what I'm throwing.....
Cause that's just how I feel
Eyes getting kind of heavy
Sleep with you is what is real

I have died many times and arisen like the Phoenix

The stabbing pain leading to stars in the eyes
I have died many times and arisen like the Phoenix
Hands clenching the Kleenex
Trying to slow it down

The stretch of muscles holding on for dear life
As they become inflexible and air tight
Slithering tears escaping my eyes
I have died many times and arisen like the Phoenix

Self care or well fare seems to not exist
Screams escaping my lips through anguished cries
All I can do is die, because no matter what I do.....I die

But I rise like the Phoenix because I am not done yet
At 31 a true vet to the games played and displayed underneath it all
For within a battle rages and I fill/feel these pages with the truth placed before me

I have died but I rise
The anger has not discovered what was uncovered within the vestibule of my experience
This shit is serious

Want to stay, spent on the floor or the couch of my house crying, smoldering smoke
its the only thing that takes my mind off the pain
When it rains it pours and I die

But I rise because of who I am
I fight because to lose is not an option

I rise so that people understand
Even though I have the body that fails me
My soul is to be spread to the masses
So they can gain traction
And let go of the little things
leading them to bigger things and bigger dreams
That would of before lay unconquered

I die but each time I do.....allows for more of you to rise.......


So I die.....and I trip
and I falter
and crash
and I'm brash
and angry
because maybe I have a right to be
Each time I die it tries to take that light from me

Shadowing me in a darkness so alone
I shy from truths
I shun society
I leave everyone out

Misery needs no company and I need not your pity

So I die......alone

But I rise like the Phoenix for all who need
I rise to show a different breed 
For all to see the little things should never be glanced over

I'm a soldier

So I rise like the Phoenix 

Hoping each time that the power of my light still exist when I rise......

To bring truths to others eyes

So I die........knowing......

The pain will stop eventually
I will recover eventually
I will grow to respect it eventually

I rise.......

Writing this song

We seem to grasp the endless
I can't do it
no begging for forgiveness

You touched the part that was circumstance
Now all I want is you amazing......

I worked thru shit just to make it cold
Your future is the one you owe

I tried to fight the naked feel
You asked about it and got it real

My scripts be burning thru the night
I raise your bull, you might start a fight

Your leather humps don't make you fly
Its about this song, not you and I

I travel soft and heavy hand
Phuck your bull I did withstand

Tears come to my eyes cuz u ain't
I #rebelagainst you being here

Phuck your tainted words
My truth is the only form of hurt