Conversation with myself

Life changes but never changes
We grow, we learn, but do we really
Everyday is a realization of how strong i am
I did this...no one else
The developing thoughts of a rational mind lead to a form of clarity most never reach...
The calm before the storm
Disjointed reality
I wish the world could see what i can see
but it can't
So it loses.....
The message of the earth stands to be forgotten
in a simple stance of neglect
We are who we surround ourselves with
everyday life is stilled if you don't open your ears
The eyes see more but the tunes in our heads offer explanation
We hear what we want and we see what we see
When did the world and its functions become automated....
My mind jumps from topic to topic at the speed of my light, I think its cosmic
Withering under the thoughts of lean.........
leaning on the thoughts of me
It slows and finally I see...............

It is what its not

I kill people for less/
do i have your full attention?/
my intention comes with precision, feel the gift that I'm giving/
i dont need to tell you about what goes on behind closed doors/
it seems that many men adore the smuts on the floor/
Click, pause, boom the reaction is fitting/
as i roll thru with  the fitted/
I make you question your existence/
Cuz there work is not a globe and i don't need you to hold..my hand
I can stand....and do it better than you can/

I'm tired of all the fools an all the birds flying
I admit that I'm a travesty/
but you living and still dying/
sun shining/
on my face but you cant see it still/
every day that i wake up I'm reminded of the real

fakeness breeds shakiness/
who can forsake this/
the mental capacity of others is where my success shakes us/
makes us...just give me the light/
I'm trying to save the world/
you tryna' save the night/
disappointment in your actions/
you built to be....
this thing, taking you over was the reaction/
I sanctioned, I want my nations to rise./
but I question the size of your commitment when you rise
no body can see me with out just cause/
cuz i cause what i does and i do what i does/

I eat those/
I observe enough then i keep those/
I say what i mean and I'm prepared
You need no peep holes/
to see the travesty laid to me/
you a lame to me/
its a game to me/
when you ready lets play/
I think of strategy everyday
so when the challenge presents its self its easier to lay/
you fell asleep/
Still rhyming for the cause/
cuz yours is false and with it i just cant get along/

I'm blinded by the night watch
tucking my Arizona in my pants/
who would of thought that be my last action in this dance/
I'm dead but who recognize what really happen/
its tragic/
half of America cant imagine/
but when u bound our wrist and feed us dirt and had your way with our women/
did you not think down the line we would be feeling...
the anger, circumstance or the bubble...you might a lived in that shit but you just came out to trouble...it's real....

I dont even know what to call this....

Never seem to remember the pain it caused the last time
my unconsciousness lead me to believe that everything is cursed
so i look....
take a sip for my thirst
they just polluting the earth
the cry i hear ain't circumcised
the cries get louder
the pain hurts my eyes

I tried,
I really thought it was over.
now the slouch of the shoulders shown the discouragement of the situation
I didn't ask for this......
mutual agreements are no longer common cause.
the friction from the tension leaves you gone
and right now i don't care.
In the same way i want you here..
to work at the distance...stop being resistant!
I know.....you love me too. at least time will tell....
but im in gods hell trying to refrain from the same shit that been racking my brain.......
am i in love???

I'm only human but you can hear me roar
life took a seat past the open door
the easiest route sometimes the hardest to drive thru
but i wouldn't know
as my life took the side view....
I'm working on it please refrain from the obvious
the slackness of environment causes everybody to inspire shit...
oh well
They might as well kill themselves...they became nothing less than drones
doing what every body tell them...
go figure.... you might as well feel the sun blaze on your back as you try to react
but its reactive tacc's....ticular all of my friends are particular...
and that suits me fine.....

Sometimes i can falter

The thought alone makes my hand shake and the ashes from my stog dance on the keyboards.
Nah it couldn't happen to me? Harsh and sober feelings smacked all up in my face and told me i was wrong.....

Here come's the train, moving on...but to what???

The steady gain in the professional leads me to lead this confessional that states...
Life is about not giving a fuck...if you do...well...
your time always comes up...
Playing my part.......and until then I'll just fade into the black

MAYBE

Things change like a bat out of hell/ 

too cliche, well shit happens/

still cliche, shut the fuck up and let you mind guide you/

the precision of a thought can keep the mind racing for years/

dealing with others issues can drive you crazy/

yeah im crazy/

maybeeeeee/

the look at the river, leaves me stranded/

a mirage awaits/

i can never go forward without going back....will you be my reminder/

i heard you say it is what it is/

i think it isn't what it isn't/

you fool, bumblebee tuna/

arms open wide/

your frankness is contrived/

i get in where i fit in and it specific bothers span wide/

and then, there is this/

the sedative, the upper/

guaranteed when you harm, you suffer/

i can't reprimand it all/

just say damn it all/

cuz its only what i can see/

turning heads my faith not dead/

he is the one who lives in me/

our circumstance can be solved with a peridance/

just spread your faith on thee/

and then its over

Damn I'm messing up my make-up

Pushing yourself to make sure that everything you do brings you a better place in a world of adversity is hard. The constant self doubt, wonder, loneliness (even when surrounded by others) sometimes suffocates me. My characteristics define me but I design me........

Damn I messing up my make-up

The flavor of my feelings shining like a mood ring/ the mind within my thoughts/tired of every damn things/eyes getting kind of heavy/get up time to show and prove/wicked thoughts of what you doing/outside I'm together and keeping shit cool/ the psych often wonders out loud but sometimes its still/ I oh um never had this feeling/deeper than a blue chill/ feet just cant seem to forward/time is sitting on my back/ worked so hard to build that igloo/ just steady  melting into my feel/ broad strokes from the paintbrush/ colors the pictures that  i feel/ i am no longing laughing/ i can no longer feel/ ups and downs/ im moving forward/ still on a steady decline/

damn I'm messing up my make up/this is so over real/ but i cant get back to feeling./no its just not allowed/ scenes flashing through in pictures/ only problem there's no sound/

splashing water on my face now/ only you can wake you up/ from disappointment and the tension/ world of dreams just because/ eyes getting kind of heavy/ blind to fact, faith and truth/ living in a bubble/ bazookawing out your fuel/ damn I'm messing up my makeup/ perfect picture on the sill/ And i cant get up from the bumps and the dings/didn't realize i was falling/ i get so tired of false things/ i think i said too much /signing names of the real/how many people are disillusioned/  people alive but still been killed/  Cuz there lives are in hell  and they cant seem to see/ past materials and ignorance/ people tell them how to feel.

breath fogging up the windows/life gets so cloudy at times/ write your name on condensation/  a strong pill for them to try/ but you cant look down cuz it reminds how far you are/ eyes wet and weary/cuz its raining outside 

damn I'm messing up my make up/this is so over real/ but i cant get back to feeling./no its just not allowed/ scenes flashing through in pictures/ only problem there's no sound

The land of dreams

A place where gold was never paved/

few people ever get saved/

A land for the brave...products of environment/

Value of a dollar is synonymous with how far you can go/

succeed or make life promising/

Streets raised me/

That indigo is what plagued me/

past considered unruly/

I now consider myself a lady/

Jesus save me/

Show me theirs more than getting wavy/

Self medication makes your mental cope to lazy/

Struggle hard/

its hard to let down my guard/

Can save you yourself but my mental's forever scarred/

the beating left fatigued/

pain/leg/joints/knees/

Unauthorized touching/

Life is something

Innocence no longer eixist/

Cuz people out here fronting/

It almost was my undoing

I have not written much in a long time. It seems what I decided would free me became a burden and a forgotten remedy to my mental state of mind. Recent events have lead me here. SO I will make the vow I made upon creating this blog, utilize it to help myself as well as others.

They always say bad things happen to good people. What they don't tell you is how many times it happens and what forms it may come in. I think I was 4 years old when I felt the depth of the rage a human can come equipped with. I don't remember why it happened but I do remember what happened. We (my 2 older sisters, mother and father) were riding in the car and an argument had broken out.  I remember the rage of the moment, the way my hair seemed to stand on end while my body shivered endlessly. I remember the hand that came up as the car veered out of the road. I remember that same hand meeting the face of my mother as time stopped and I stood paralyzed by fear. I remember  the roar of the voice telling us to shut up because we would be next. I will NEVER forget the sentence that came next......"I will drive this car into the wall and kill us all". That my friends was my introduction to rage.

The next time it wasn't as subtle and only as an adult did I realize that it was that moment that my innocence to rage was lost. Rage would categorize the rest of my life. Whether it be the rage experienced throughout my childhood from the constant mental and physical abuse, the rage from the disease that made my body weak, the rage from the gang I gave my life to, the rage I felt as I pummeled girls into concrete or the rage of a person that was taught nothing but rage...it became who I was. Even when I got older and learned how to control the rage...I could never control the rage that came out after I consumed  too much alcohol. Just ask the numerous people I went to college with.

For a long time I couldn't quite understand where the rage came from. I was angry at my childhood, angry at my parents, angry at the people who were supposed to protect me and ended up harming me the most, angry at being in the hospital so much, angry at not being able to control what happens within my life and angry at the thought that I would be a failure. 

Fast forward minutes, hours, days and years to today. That rage and anger presented itself in the form of me giving up,  All my hopes, my dreams......shit just  got too overwhelming and real. When my body becomes stressed things happen....I gave up and because of it, I came thisclose to dying., but that friends is a story for another post.