It almost was my undoing

I have not written much in a long time. It seems what I decided would free me became a burden and a forgotten remedy to my mental state of mind. Recent events have lead me here. SO I will make the vow I made upon creating this blog, utilize it to help myself as well as others.

They always say bad things happen to good people. What they don't tell you is how many times it happens and what forms it may come in. I think I was 4 years old when I felt the depth of the rage a human can come equipped with. I don't remember why it happened but I do remember what happened. We (my 2 older sisters, mother and father) were riding in the car and an argument had broken out.  I remember the rage of the moment, the way my hair seemed to stand on end while my body shivered endlessly. I remember the hand that came up as the car veered out of the road. I remember that same hand meeting the face of my mother as time stopped and I stood paralyzed by fear. I remember  the roar of the voice telling us to shut up because we would be next. I will NEVER forget the sentence that came next......"I will drive this car into the wall and kill us all". That my friends was my introduction to rage.

The next time it wasn't as subtle and only as an adult did I realize that it was that moment that my innocence to rage was lost. Rage would categorize the rest of my life. Whether it be the rage experienced throughout my childhood from the constant mental and physical abuse, the rage from the disease that made my body weak, the rage from the gang I gave my life to, the rage I felt as I pummeled girls into concrete or the rage of a person that was taught nothing but rage...it became who I was. Even when I got older and learned how to control the rage...I could never control the rage that came out after I consumed  too much alcohol. Just ask the numerous people I went to college with.

For a long time I couldn't quite understand where the rage came from. I was angry at my childhood, angry at my parents, angry at the people who were supposed to protect me and ended up harming me the most, angry at being in the hospital so much, angry at not being able to control what happens within my life and angry at the thought that I would be a failure. 

Fast forward minutes, hours, days and years to today. That rage and anger presented itself in the form of me giving up,  All my hopes, my dreams......shit just  got too overwhelming and real. When my body becomes stressed things happen....I gave up and because of it, I came thisclose to dying., but that friends is a story for another post.