stumble upon

My thoughts capsized by the raging sea of doubt
Screaming but no one can hear me out
The abundance of my feelings
Stuck as I hit the glass ceiling

Seeking to hide
Power to divide
From the endless, restlessness of my soul

I was whole but now im torn apart
Beginning to end and ending to start

I breath as the consciousness of my being
spills out in wisp of a foreign content
Leading me to responses
I never wanted to hear

I am here, but only in spirit
My body, now i fear it
Too close but so far that no one can hear it

I scream
because even in my dreams it is present
Signs of a peasant because my value has been weakened
I no longer know what im seeking
just that i have not found it yet

Or that safety net that hold me up when I have faltered
How I long for
Someone to keep my head above water
I can't do it alone
My heart beats on its own

And yet answers still elude me
Like the partner I cant find to sooth me
I continue on alone..........

The cycle

 take umbrage as a offended black

Pardon me
A
Afro-American pardon me
a
African-American pardon me
a
Negro pardon me
a
colored pardon me
a
house nigger pardon me
a
field nigger pardon me
a
slave pardon me
a
Inanimate object for recreational and systematic injustice pardon me
a
part of a tribe that will never be discovered
a

Fuck this no pardon me

I remember the first thought that stuck to my brain...
I was 5. I was taught that I needed to understand I already had 2 strikes against me:

1. I was African-American
2. I was female

The other strike that should of placed me out was sickle cell anemia but we have more important things to discuss right now

I grew up in Bed-Stuy during the "War on drugs" era better known as the 80's crack epidemic. I used to think those vials that visually captured my mind with those tops in rainbow colors were things left by others for me to play with.

I witnessed the drug and alcohol abuse that went rampant amongst citizens behind closed doors. Not knowing or understanding til later(when I became a criminologist/social worker) it was another form of self medicating to not live life.

I witnessed the war on poverty dismantling neighborhoods, not caring about certain neighborhoods, the beginnings of explointing neighborhoods

I witnessed the struggles of the project life, food stamps and food pantries with that rock solid ass cheese, and white labeled cans.

I witnessed when violence became death, drugs becmae territorial war, color war, pit us against WAR.....

I witnessed the deprecation of the African-American woman, the demeaning and cruel aspects of being free but being a slave to man so not being free....but being free but having to give up my thought process to sooth your thoughts and make you my world

now you wonder why all women want to be independent and non dependent, non-conforming and lead their dreams onward...it's okay you can keep assautling our hopes and dreams and the barriers we took to
and the reason we the most educated persons in this land as they see.....racism wasnt the only thing systematic

I witness the breakdown of the nuclear family

I witnessed the role of Rockefeller continuing to breakdown the nuclear family

I witnessed the take down of all the proud negros who had struggle to succeed in a free world
have that free world create systems
so in that free world they could struggle and never be free

I witness currently the repurcussions of leaving rehabilitation for incapacitation (I studied criminology for a reason)

I witness the lost of rights guarenteed as a USA citizen being stipped for mistakes made so the people most angry can't vote, cant live in public housing you take my money for, cant get a job, cant get a life....go back to what got me locked up in the 1st place...

A whole new class of degenerates right...

Whoa....

SYTEMS OVERLOAD MUST REBOOT

I witnessed incarcerated individuals having the ability to learn and better themselves stripped away because violence needs to be in cycles or the prison business will be in peril

I witness families destroyed by housing 85%of NYC residents in upstate counties so they can garner more money on their census while we get programs cut and taken away...ahh that cycle again

I witness the hurt and loss and pain when you cant afford or have the means to travel 8hrs for a visit

I witnessed the creation of gangs to combat systems
only to be remade to kill their own systems only to be raised to "kill each system, we need praise..
honor and ego is all we have in this game" cycling the violence in systems

These waters run deep and if we can't open our eyes to see what has led us here and what has got us here...we still that african leading others to our villiage cuz we want to show them love. ..

society makes us trust no one

Now we trust no one

I know what prison looks like...it's a shame almost every other black kid lives this life

I witnessed the policies deepen to hurt
Society deepen to change
Societal measures that have created this game

Let the niggers kill each other
on play and repeat

I witness rascism...the snide comments,
the looks and stares when i accompany a white family or friends

I witnessed that shotgun barrel on my head saying niggas aint welcome in North Carolina

I witnessed being chased off of blocks that said there is no room for niggers here on ave L

I remember being indentured and servants and i get angry and mad

Because you rather question me on what is bad and what we have and not wanting to take a look back

because your bubble allows you to not really feel so bad
or feel so sad
Just a smirk and a relief of glad....

(we cant be trusted still..right)

And when they can ...I got a resolution

I witnessed man...
THESE TIMES ARE ABOMINATIONS
But you still can't what see what im witnessing man...
what i see in front of me witnessing

Damn

When does it stop

Learn the appropriation and desecration of a culture locked up in systematic and institutionalized rascism before you try to take cover

I grew up here...
you think you know but have no idea

Dont ask why im angry

ASK WHY IM ANGRY

TRY TO FIGURE OUT WHY IM ANGRY

If you say nothing your just as guilty

This world for you may have have been rainbows and unicorns but for me

Its always been crazy....

I could be mad

could be mad

I was born with imperfections

Sickle cell anemia ravaging a body just born

I could be mad

Set up for failure through watching addictions, taking on addictions, fighting addictions

I could be mad

Physical abuse...the brutal Beatings, emotional abuse

mantra’d on you ain’t never gonna be shit

I could be mad

Left on my own while you follow another mans rule

I could be mad

By myself trying to figure out my same trying to figure out my brain

Losing those I grew close to

I could be mad

Friends turning on me

Behavior is well taught

I damn near always fought

For a color designed in separation

I could be mad

Paying my own way through college

The rates are hunting me down

Flag at half stance cuz these loans is cutting me down

Wounded with the bullet holes of knowledge just shoving me down

I thought I was spose to be a queen but these taxes is shutting me down

Equipped with the cycle of nonsense 

Keeps putting me down

I could be mad

I’ll fitting in my skin

My body full of sin

Trying to grasp the soul of within

Faltering not knowing where to begin

Again

I could be mad

Super saver

Bad behavior

I listen to you and you just ignore this neighbor

Feel as if you have caused this behavior

Friends are not friends when they don’t stop to ask why you insist on this behavior

I could be mad

At the abandonment by all

It’s about you when you call

Don’t give a fuck about me at all

I could be mad

I helped you out the pinch

I helped reformulate your shit

Only to get ditched and not be a part of forever

I could be mad

I float in a sea of aloneness

Try to pay with my atoning

I feel as if those closest to me are throwing the first stones in

I could be mad

Job that disrespected me

Even with my trajectory

Made me focus on monetary ecstasy 

Ripped my heart out the chest of me

Couldn’t acknowledge the birth of the best of me

Cuz I was too focused on the requirements of a job I now know wouldn’t stand for me

Lightweight from the fight that neglected me

Unresolved in my feelings of security

Can I appreciate my giving of everything

A baby grr inside me

I could be mad

I am fighting a war within my self but this post is partum

I’m fighting a body that kills my health

But these words ain’t hollow

I cry in the shower so my hopes can wash off

No one to push me so my dreams are far off

Regulated to the pain

I just need to sound off

The emotional turmoil in my brain 

Leaves me to shy off

I could be mad

 My tenacity is lost

My motivation was lost

There is no way for recourse

Abandonment daily reforced

I could be mad

Not a part of your life

I could be mad

Feeling like a single mother

All this new stuff to discover

Forcing my body and mind to move in ways I can’t uncover

I’m tired

I could be mad

Feeling oh so alone and all those people who used to utilize me for everything life is just carrying on

Enjoy

I could be mad

No vocal approachments 

No reaction to hopelessness

I’m lost and approaching

This is my life

I could be mad 

But Riley is beautiful

- [ ]

Falling beneath the stars

We always dream of a better life, those accustomed to nothing. Hoping that for once a light is bestowed on to us that could weather through the darkness already foretold to us. A life of less pain, more pleasure, less hurt and more forgiveness....for we still live in the shadow of a master we cannot see.

Laying in a line of fire, doused with uncertainties, conditioned in failure to the lost of hope.
Bonded by the hurt of lost.

A cycle emerges and continues shining in all crevices but still pointing out our shadows in darkness...a darkness that can never leave, a darkness that is always there, a darkness that becomes both friend and foe telling us we can never be whom we think we are just who we are told to be...
So i sit in the darkness beneath the stars because they say shoot for the moon even if you miss you will land among the stars but with no one to catch them.....many exist beneath them with no one to acknowledge their existence

Is it okay to feel like this?

Is it okay to feel like this?

The weight of the world unbalanced and standing within the pit of your stomach

The thoughts of fear

The longing of prior

The nervousness of beyond

Is it okay to feel like this?

The pressure of the road walked and the path ahead seemingly disappearing within the shine of the tears that currently envelop the eyes

The world battling for your attention as you battle for the attention of your self

Fighting the signs, symbols and omens that you think may not end up going your way

Is it okay to feel like this?

To dream of the time where the most worried you were was getting home drunk from an all-night bender

To wistfully think about the bottles of wine consumed to block the pain rendered useless as this condition pleads for none

Is it okay to feel like this?

To wallow in the doubt of fear and the fear of doubt

To request the sanctity of being free from these thoughts

To recapture a mind with whom I am no longer acquainted with

Is it okay to feel like this?

On the cusps of a black hole textured to look like an epiphany of where life begins, began will begun

The placating of one’s self challenged by the relentless nature of what is, will be and whats to come

The unknowing of whom you are

A grown woman

Becoming a little girl lost

Being a little lost

Looking around because damn I’m lost

I’m at a lost and it brings me down

Little girl blue

Little girl blue

A dark cloud settles and the gloom begins to set in

Reversal of time or is it time lost

This little girl blue is on a boat in unknown territory and seems lost

The roughness of the waves

The sway within their force

This little girl blue is now on an unchartered course

Winning to find but only finding the loss

Little girl blue

A sadness washed within her eyes

Little girl blue

The gleam of lightening brightens the sky

Little girl blue

But this little girl is lost

Awaiting landfall on this unchartered course

Little girl blue

Pain of it all

The smell of the saltiness

Through the rise and the fall

Little girl blue

Nothing to say

Because this little girls blues won’t be over today

Our world

Another day another death

The speculating spectrum
leading to regression
wanting to wallow in continuous overt racial oppression

But my eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the lord
The truths of this country marching on while
black man are shot down, character annihilated, trampled over
JUST STAY DOWN
before they make more excuses cuz we just dogs and they need to
PUT US DOWN

That crack sound, revisiting the demons within those crack vials
Revisiting the drug laws of this government "crackdown"
Pushing our heads under water not wanting us to surface
giving us no chance to 
BREATHE NOW (wheeze sounds)

Tis country tis a thy bears no inklings of liberty
elluding it's said sympathy
so many inconsistencies
leading to regime's of anger
by the white supremacy

BUT OUR TRUTHS KEEP MARCHING ON, RIGHT???